Nonsense and Poignance

Bringing Back Depends

2011-06-28T09:57:00.002-04:00

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2011-01-11T12:36:00.006-05:00

I put together a surprise medley for Jill at our wedding.

And...scene.

Woody Works It

2010-11-22T00:18:00.001-05:00

This video is from 1996 and is finally getting the notoriety it deserves:)

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Can't Touch This

2010-09-07T14:00:00.005-04:00

I'm always working... even on my wedding day.

And...scene.

Humpty Drive

2010-08-21T10:29:00.002-04:00

Yes, I do weird shit alone, too.

And...scene.

It's NERF or Nothin'

2010-08-09T15:05:00.008-04:00

Holy crap, this got a lot of views!

And...scene.

Like a Virgin...HEY!

2010-07-29T10:38:00.001-04:00

In RIPFEST 10's "Virgin Territory", I play a hustler who has the tables turned on him by a seemingly mild-mannered librarian.

Virgin Territory - RIPFEST 10 from RIPFEST on Vimeo.

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Back in the Day with College Television Network

2010-06-14T12:50:00.001-04:00

Ah, Spring Break in the Redneck Riviera! That's Panama City Beach, in case you were wondering. I thought I'd class it up with some acts of great maturity.

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The Insanity of Junior Nation

2010-05-31T11:21:00.002-04:00

NASCAR at its most fanatic. Pretty amazing.

And...scene.

Just Another Day at the Office

2010-05-31T11:17:00.003-04:00

IMG_4435, originally uploaded by exposed_existenz.

Courtesy of Chris Elswick

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No Homo(phobia)

2010-03-17T11:44:00.001-04:00

Love this jab at a really stupid expression.

And...scene.

Let's Pretend

2010-03-12T23:20:00.002-05:00

This is what I would like to do more of if at all possible.

And...scene.

McRebirth

2010-02-06T11:59:00.008-05:00

It is alive!!!

And...scene.

Confession

2010-01-31T11:28:00.004-05:00

I must confess a few things. One, that as a 12-year-old Little Leaguer growing up in Boston, I could really swing the bat. Just check the clipping below and you will see that I was hitting .537 (I finished at an even .500, tops in our little 4-team league).

The other thing I must confess is that I played for the Yankees.

Why, Parkway Little League, why?!

And...scene.

Paranormal New Year

2010-01-02T13:11:00.001-05:00

It seems that just watching "Paranormal Activity" can do strange things to you.

And...scene.

Only One McShowoff

2009-10-15T22:56:00.006-04:00

Just for the sake of clarification, there are a lot of Ryan McDonoughs out there, but most of them are not I.

This Ryan McDonough is not I (I haven't been arrested in years...er, ever).

And this Ryan McDonough is not I (I am fortunate enough to still be alive - God rest his soul).

And finally, this Ryan McDonough is not I (he plays hockey, and I can't skate).

This Ryan McDonough is I.

And...scene.

Timing Is Everything

2009-09-30T23:30:00.008-04:00

And my timing sucks. Of all the games on all the days in all the seasons, I had to pick this one to drop over 300 clams on front row Monster seats. Roy Halladay mowed down our scrub unit who filled in for the regulars (probably still hung over from their late night celebration of another playoff spot), and Wakefield threw a bunch of knuckle-less knucklers (moose knuckles?) which put us in an early hole. The rest of our pitchers fared no better, and 4th string catcher, Dusty Brown, finished up from the mound, giving up just one run to put us down 12-0. I had great seats though.

At least we're in the playoffs. Hopefully it's for more than three games.

And...scene.

Some Calls You Just Don't Want to Take

2009-09-24T15:47:00.002-04:00

And...scene.

Nonsense and Poignance on CSNNE's "The Baseball Show"

2009-09-22T02:00:00.005-04:00

I called in for the "Web Sox Nation" segment at 6:15 AM Salt Lake City time (I was out there catalyzing the party for NERF at Dew Tour), so I may not sound very energized. Hopefully I let the numbers do the talking.

Glad I didn't swear.

And...scene.

Can You Bench the Captain?

2009-09-18T23:28:00.011-04:00

Jason Varitek may be the heart and soul of the Red Sox, but he cannot be our starting catcher anymore. I'm sorry, but he has been a liability at the plate (.212 average, DOWN from a miserable .220 last year), and even behind it.

That's right, 'Tek is no longer a great defensive catcher. Two passed balls (the wild pitch in the second game should have been blocked) in two consecutive games on third strikes and what should have been third outs in the 7th inning against the Angels, our likely ALDS opponent. In one game we recovered and won due to some miraculously bad umpiring, and the other we lost. Not to mention, he canNOT throw out a runner on the base paths - I still seethe at Carl Crawford's SIX stolen bags in a game earlier in the season. Varitek has only thrown out 15 runners all year against 100 stolen bases allowed, making his caught stealing percentage a miserable 13%.

Sure, Victor Martinez isn't much better at throwing out base stealers - 14% - but since joining the Sox he's hitting .330 with power and a knack for driving in runs in the clutch. Varitek is a strikeout, pop-up or double play waiting to happen.

I hate saying this about Jason Varitek, but I can't take it anymore. Youk at first, Lowell at third and Martinez behind the dish should be the choice for Terry Francona. Are Josh Beckett and Jon Lester going to give up more runs without Varitek to throw to than what they can get back in run support without Varitek in the lineup? I know Varitek is amazing with our pitchers, but I think we need to keep the captain on the bench. He's only getting worse (.239 before the All Star break, .157 after), and we can't afford to keep him in the lineup.

And...scene.

P.S., A special thank you to "The Baseball Show" on Comcast Sportsnet New England for having me on to pimp my blog. I called in from Salt Lake City at 6:15 AM local time and probably fell asleep in the middle of my pitch.

The Calm Before the Storm

2009-09-18T14:10:00.011-04:00

As a Red Sox fan living in Brooklyn, NY for the last 16 years or so, I've experienced a lot of conflict. Being surrounded by Yankee fans (and not to sound typically "team-ist", but some of my best friends are Yankee fans), I have always had my guard up to defend against the old taunts of "1918" and "Buckner", and the general arrogance of a fan base that draws upon its 26 world championships (most of which happened way before they were born) whenever they feel threatened.

But it all changed on October 27, 2004 when the Red Sox finally won it all for the first time since - let's hear it Yankee fans! - 1918. You could argue that it really changed on October 20 when the Sox completed the greatest comeback of all time, and the deafening silence I experienced the next day (as I bought several copies of the local rags to celebrate the misery of Yankee fans who so often exploited ours) is pretty strong evidence for that theory. But if we didn't win it all against the Cardinals, the silence wouldn't have lasted.

All of a sudden, we won again in 2007, we were a game away from another World Series last year while the Yankees didn't even make the playoffs, and then we won the first eight match-ups of 2009. The growing silence of Yankee fans as I walked the streets of New York in my Sox hats and jackets and championship t-shirts was starting to get really comfortable. Too comfortable.

But then the biggest spenders in baseball history dropped almost a half billion dollars during one of the worst economic times of this country's history and have since reaped the benefits, as they have been completely dominant since the All-Star break. It looks like they'll face the Tigers in the first round of the playoffs, and I can't imagine them pulling a 2006 in this series. And until the Angles beat us in the postseason, I'll never believe they can. So if I'm right, it's going to get very loud again here in New York as the Yanks and Sox get poised to meet in the ALCS for the first time since the greatest comeback/greatest choke in sports history.

The difference this time is that I feel some apprehension on the part of Yankee fans. Sure, they're yapping a bit here and there, but they still smart from the last six years of disappointment. They are afraid to talk big and be embarrassed if their beloved pinstripers fall short again, especially against their biggest rivals.

They sound like I did before Game 7 of the ALCS in 2003 - hopeful and a bit desperate. After Aaron Bleepin' Boone's dinger, I was planning on moving out of New York as soon as possible because I couldn't take one more sound from what I considered the most obnoxious, most spoiled fans in all of sports. The worst part of that game was that deep down inside, I absolutely, positively knew it was going to happen. It had to. In the most painful way possible - with a lead late and the best pitcher in our recent history on the mound, and then going to extras and losing on a walkoff. Only 2004 could have made that all better. And what has followed since has put Yankee fans in the position of the defensive and desperate.

I only hope the Red Sox can silence Yankee fans once again because I don't want them to get their attitude back. I like having them on edge the way Red Sox fans had been for ages until 2004. I love knowing they can't say jack about the Red Sox unless they can surpass them and win their 27th. And I can hope that their championship drought will be closer to 86 years than a mere nine. Either way, it's going to get loud here in New York in October. And either way, I can quote Mr. T as Clubber Lang in Rocky III and say, "My prediction? Pain."

And...scene.

The Genius of "Office Space"

2009-08-25T15:47:00.001-04:00

Two excellent uses of gangsta rap in white bread land.

And...scene.

Blaire Reinhard Band

2009-08-18T12:57:00.004-04:00

You know I'm a sucker for a well-performed subway music video. Well here's another one.

Blaire Reinhard has a powerful and versatile voice that compels me to stop whatever I'm doing and listen. Whether she's comically seducing a stranger on the subway as above or heart-breakingly lamenting her unworthiness as below, I generally get chills when I listen to her.

I have nothing funny here. I just wanted to give props where props are due.

And...scene.

Steroids Were Just Part of the Game

2009-08-01T15:03:00.004-04:00

Any baseball fans out there getting a little tired of the whole steroid issue? Don't get me wrong, I think it's awful that the game has been tainted so much by the addition of performance enhancing drugs. But I would like to look at it a bit differently for a minute.

What I'm beginning to tire of especially is the focus on the individual players and how they cheated the game and should never be considered for the Hall of Fame, etc., etc. I am going to say this, and I hope it pisses you off. The more names that come out, the more I say the individuals did not cheat. I repeat, the players who used performance enhancing drugs during the steroid era of baseball did not cheat. They may have broken the law, but so did the entire coke-head 1986 New York Mets. But like the Mets, they did not cheat. Just as the players who used "greenies" to make an often unbearably slow game a lot more adrenalized broke the law but did not cheat.

I am tired of sports fans and members of the media who are so excited to throw out the word "cheater" in relation to a player who has been linked to PED's that they sound like little kids in the playground getting their cooties shots and yelling "nanny nanny poo poo" at the pariah of the day.

Here's my take. How is it cheating if there was never any rule against it? I know, I know, steroids are against the law, but that has nothing to do with baseball. To be perfectly clear, I HATE the fact that steroids and HGH have contaminated the game of baseball. I don't want professional wrestlers taking the place of fundamentally sound and savvy ballplayers. But it's the game of baseball as a whole that cheated us, not the individual users.

I include all the players who never used anything but never came forward about the invasion of these history changing substances into their profession. I blame the players' union for doing nothing but taking the money that rewarded the best players who were often the dirtiest as a way of bettering contracts for all their players. I blame the owners for turning a blind eye because, hey, the long ball put a lot of asses in the seats. And Bud Selig? Sorry, but you will forever go down as the commissioner of the steroid era. That All-Star Game that ended in a tie is looking like a parking ticket now.

So as fans and media members, please stop calling every player who has been linked to PED's a no-good cheat and a bum and a liar. First of all, as far as the positive test results from 2003 go (whole other issue there, but let's just say none of these names should ever have been leaked, and whoever is responsible should face criminal charges), they may indicate other substances besides steroids such as andro and other legal, over-the-counter supplements. So unless we know for sure that a player used steroids or HGH, don't just bunch them up with the rest and assume they did. But more importantly, it doesn't matter.

The use of steroids was more than tolerated during this era. It was rewarded with huge attendance at games and great ratings and astronomical contracts. It was encouraged - even if it was only indirectly - by owners, and the union, and the media, and the public and even clean players turning a blind eye, and by the immense success the entire sport enjoyed as a direct result of the widespread use of PED's.

Baseball players during the steroid era adapted to the game by taking steroids. There were plenty of players who didn't (but seriously, I don't care who you name, even if it's Griffey or Jeter or anyone else, I wouldn't be surprised if they were using, too), but they are guilty, too, because they only looked out for themselves, not the game. They put their heads down and said, "Well, I know I'M playing the game the way it's supposed to be played," and just hoped things would clean themselves up. I'm not saying they should have "ratted", but the responsibility for the integrity and honor of the game of baseball falls on all of Major League Baseball. So those that did nothing about the use of steroids - players who used or didn't, agents who represented players who used and knew it, managers, coaches, and owners - are all partly responsible for the fact that baseball got so - for lack of a better word - dirty.

So stop looking for scapegoats and individual PED users and accept the fact: it can't be cheating if it's an accepted part of the game.

Now the NBA better get their act together because I would bet almost anything that Dwight Howard has used PED's.

And...scene.

My Foamy Job

2009-07-04T21:32:00.004-04:00

Here is a video of the NERF DART TAG League at Dew Tour in Chicago from my main media man in Chicago, VasTheStampede. I am your friendly neighborhood announcer, in case you couldn't tell.

Yeah, it's pretty much impossible to follow live, too. But I have to admit, it's awesome. One of my favorite Chicagoans of all time, Bill Murray, actually stopped by to watch his son in the tournament (I believe it was 8-year-old Lincoln). He unfortunately did not catch my brilliant use of the phrase "Cinderella story" in describing one of the teams engaged in the competition. But the boss from Hasbro did. And he loved it. Direct hit. POW!!!

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Pimpin' Myself...Again

2009-07-01T18:06:00.004-04:00

I saw that this brief, dramatic reading of a fine work of sports literature from my occasionally be-wigged days at Sprint Powerview had very few views on my YouTube channel, and decided to help it out a bit. Won't you help me? It's funny, I swear!

Wish I had eight inches of my shaft in my hand.

And...scene.

We're Talkin' 'Bout "Practice", "Playoffs?!" and "I Wanna Kiss You"

2009-06-30T16:05:00.005-04:00

Get ready to rock out to your favorite ridiculous sports interview sound bytes. The REMIX!!!

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I'm Speechless: Hodgman Exposes Obama's Double Life as Jock and Nerd

2009-06-23T23:55:00.005-04:00

You may be a geek and/or a nerd, Mr. Hodgman, but you are my hero.

Were you worried about being wrestled to the ground by the Secret Service when you called the president "gangly" and mocked his ears not once but twice?

And...scene.

Google and You Will Find!

2009-06-18T10:17:00.005-04:00

For some unknown reason this morning I flashed back to a scene in "Step Brothers"* which involved white dog crap. I remember watching that scene and having one of those moments that I often have with any Judd Apatow production where I go, "Oh, YEAH! I remember that!" Anyone who grew up during the '70's and '80's remembers action figures like Steve Austin, a.k.a. the 6-million dollar man, that Steve Carell's character collected in "The 40 Year Old Virgin", and getting busted drawing penises in grammar school as dramatized by Jonah Hill in "Superbad". Wait. Never mind that second example.

Anyhoo, I googled this exact phrase - "step brothers white dog shit" - and got a link to a thread which I found not only hilarious, but gratifyingly informative. Because I was wondering exactly at that moment, as I was googling "step brothers white dog shit", where all the frickin' white dog shit had gone, and I discovered that someone else in the world wide web also had way too much time on his hands. Check it out! You really can find everything on Google.

Just for the hell of it, here's the Superbad trailer:

Unfortunately, the trailer doesn't show the wonderfully evocative white dog crap scene. You'll just have to see the movie for yourself. POW!

And...scene.

* Come on, Rotten Tomatoes, lighten up! It's FUNNY!

A Day at the Office

2009-05-28T16:21:00.005-04:00

This is my job for AMP Energy at NASCAR events. I pimp Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s ride to his disciples who would do anything for a chance to do a 360 degree burnout. You'll see why*:

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!

And...scene.

* I also shot this and edited it...in my sleep...while solving world hunger...and curing cancer...and sleeping.

RIPFEST 10 on Fire!

2009-05-28T12:43:00.002-04:00

RIPFEST 10 was a huge success, and so was the after party...until the venue caught fire. Then it was an even huger success.

And...scene.

Stephen Lynch is Gerbicidal

2009-05-26T16:20:00.002-04:00

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I Like the Puppets Much Better Than the Players

2009-05-21T10:01:00.004-04:00

Nike's ad wizards never cease to amaze me.

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Eliminating the Middle Man

2009-05-20T14:43:00.003-04:00

And...scene.

Big Papi Needs a Big Nappy

2009-05-15T16:59:00.005-04:00

I love you, Papi, and I always will, but I think it's time you sat out for a while. I can't imagine how crushed your confidence must be, especially after your 0-7 and 12-runner-stranding effort in yesterday's very winnable 12-inning loss to the Angels. But I'm starting not to care.

I know, I know, it's up to Tito to sit you, but I'm hoping that if he won't sit you that you'll sit yourself. I hope you come around because we can sure use you. But right now you're only hurting us as much as you used to help us so significantly and so consistently over the years.

If it's over for Big Papi, then I say to you, David Ortiz, you are forever a Boston hero, and you will be missed tremendously. I hope you can come back, but only after you sit out for a while and relax. You deserve a break, big guy. Carrying a city on your shoulders year after year must be exhausting.

And...scene.

Why I'm Out of Shape

2009-05-06T13:29:00.002-04:00

I really thought I was onto something with the "German Shepherd as weight set" innovation.

And...scene.

Reconsidering "The Pucker"

2009-05-04T14:03:00.005-04:00

Maybe it's because it's more of a scowl than a true pucker (or maybe I'm just flip-flopping because she's hot and I don't care about anything because I'm quadruple B - Bordered By Beautiful Babes), but I might be rethinking my position on "the pucker" after all.

They really like me! Whoops. Looks like I J.I.M.P.

And...scene.

"The Circuit", Episode 5

2009-05-01T15:24:00.005-04:00

More of the same from my series, "The Circuit".

Alex Hornstein is (ready? All together now) WICKED SMAHT!

And...scene.

Watch Me Play With Myselves!

2009-04-29T00:22:00.002-04:00

This is from my man on the street segment on Fox Soccer Channel's "FC Fox" from a few years ago. We were going to try to get some friends to play soccer with me in Central Park and I was hopefully going to be funny - yes, that was the plan - but nobody showed. So I said, "I'm good at playing with myself," and voila!

And...scene.

Better Early Than Never

2009-04-27T12:27:00.007-04:00

It's never too early to celebrate a Sox sweep of the Yankees. Even though I know it doesn't mean a whole lot as far as how the rest of the season will pan out (the Yanks are without A-Rod till May 15 and have had a few other notable injuries as well, and it's only April for crap sakes!), it is still very encouraging to see the Red Sox out-clutch (Friday night with Jason Bay's 9th-inning, two-out, game-tying dinger off the best closer ever and Youk's almost inevitable 11th inning blast to win it), outslug (Saturday afternoon as they came back from a 6-0 deficit with a Tek granny and 6 RBI's from Mikey Lowell on their way to 16 runs), outpitch (Sunday Night Baseball on ESPN as fill-in starter Justin Masterson outdueled Red Sox killer, Andy Pettite, and rookies Hunter Jones and Michael Bowden dominated until Takashi Saito could shut the door entirely in the 9th) and even outrun (Jacoby Ellsbury, pictured above, single-handedly ran all over the Yankees for this win, including this unbelievable steal of home) the Yankees in each game of this opening series. Now THAT'S a run-on sentence!

And...scene.

More From "The Circuit"

2009-04-24T16:30:00.001-04:00

In a word: wicked smaht.

And...scene.

Wicked Smaht!

2009-04-11T22:18:00.002-04:00

Um...I once made a battery in 6th grade science class.

And...scene.

Spammers Must Die

2009-04-10T14:08:00.007-04:00

I just got the email below which was not rerouted to my spam box. It's because I know Peter D. Sheran, CPA. Or should I say "knew". He died over two years ago. So soul-sucking spammers apparently hijacked his gmail address and butchered the English language in trying to make "his" message sound casual and familiar. Turns out globseason is a virus.

I hope they have a good mood in taking the shit bus straight to hell.

Peter D. Sheran, CPA
Fri, Apr 10, 2009 at 1:51 PM
subject Re:hi

Heya, how are you doing recently ?
I would like to introduce you a very good company which I knew. Their company homepage is www.globseason.com. They can offer you all kinds of electronical products which you need, such as motorcycles, laptops, mobile phones, digial cameras, TV LCD,xbox, ps3, gps, MP3/4, etc. Please take some time to have a look at it, there must be something you 'd like to purchase.
Their contact E-mail: globseason@188.com
MSN : globseason@hotmail.cn
Hope you have a good mood in shopping from their company!
Regards.

And...scene.

Dumb Puckers

2009-04-01T17:34:00.006-04:00

I've had enough of the pucker. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, let me show you.

Seems like "the pucker" is becoming a mandatory look on the web these days for everyday gals and even reality TV superstars like Jenna Morasca (above right). I just don't see the appeal. It's about as hot as "Blue Steel", rhyme unintended. Let's see how you like it, ladies.

And...scene.

Cuervo Man Gets Smart

2009-03-28T22:36:00.005-04:00

Here are episodes 1 and 2 of 5 of a web series about young inventors called "The Circuit" which I hosted and produced. Full disclosure: no plungers or Speedos here.

Yeah, these kids are wicked smart.

And...scene.

Cuervo Man Video

2009-03-19T16:49:00.007-04:00

This promotional video was made before I decided to catalyze parties without liquid courage. I don't have any recollection of some of what occurs in it.

Once I stopped drinking, the only thing that really changed at these events was what I remembered.

And...scene.

P.S. [In the voice of Dwight Schrute] Fact: I rewrote the lyrics to the Eve 6 song "Inside Out" to glorify the gold stuff and the nation it founded. Fact: In addition to performing live, I sang and played guitar in the studio version used throughout the video. [In the voice of John Hodgman] That is all.

Happy St. Patty's Day

2009-03-17T14:42:00.001-04:00

And...scene.

Now THAT's Worth a Dollar!

2009-03-13T20:01:00.006-04:00

Naturally 7 brought the house down (or should I say they brought "Le Métro" down) in Paris, performing an a cappella variation of Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight". They weren't actually singing for handouts, but they earned 99 cents from me through iTunes after I saw this.

They're no Princeton Tigertones, but they're okay:)

That's right, I was a Tigertone. (If you don't believe me, check out the 1990's alumni list.) I'm the guy with the beard (I was performing in "The Cherry Orchard" that week, so give me a break, dammit!). Also, I still had some hair then.

See if you can find "Prison Break" star, Wentworth Miller, and the award-winning writer and director of "Why We Fight", Eugene Jarecki. Maybe you'll recognize Jeremy Rabb from "Grey's Anatomy" and Raoul Bhavnani who was director of operations for Newark mayor, Cory Booker, as seen in the award-winning documentary, "Street Fight".

Man, I am really feeling insignificant right now. Um...did I mention I was Cuervo Man? YEAH! Deal with THAT, Went!

I don't think that worked.

And...scene.

Bitter Sweet

2009-03-12T13:31:00.003-04:00

Jill recently got an article published in Women's Health. Sweet! The bitter? The article is about what to do when you have a crush on someone other than your partner, and she seemed to be writing from personal experience:)

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Neptune Days

2009-03-08T11:25:00.002-04:00

These videos are not demonstrations of the madness that is Neptune Beach Club because they were taken very early in the day on a Sunday. They are instead demonstrations of some of the silly and painful physical things I used to do as their emcee and during my Cuervo Man official visits.

Ow.

And...scene.

My NEW Plan B

2009-03-04T18:34:00.003-05:00

Scientists Turn Tequila Into Diamonds

How I turned THIS

into THIS

And...scene.

Shell Shock

2009-03-04T14:31:00.003-05:00

I finally did it. I proposed. She said yes. And this is what it looked like. Sort of.

And...scene.

Plunger Head Unplugged

2009-03-01T12:52:00.001-05:00

And...scene.

Do I Miss Being Cuervo Man?

2009-02-26T23:35:00.007-05:00

To be honest, I don't. It was a hell of a lot of fun while it lasted, and it definitely had its perks (or perqs, if you prefer), but I'm sincerely happy to have moved on. And yes, John Hodgman's piece on "This American Life" may have had something to do with the imminent end of my run as Cuervo's official party catalyst because of its perceived portrayal of the brand as an irresponsible employer (the piece was truthful and accurate as well as entertaining, but probably not in Cuervo's best interest), but my time was almost up anyway.

Cuervo was in the midst of changing its image to that of a hipper, more sophisticated beverage [cough] from that of a brazen shot of liquid courage which released the inner untamed spirit. And honestly, I needed to grow up as well. So it all worked out for the best. And for just a few days every few years when Plan B re-airs on TAL, I get to be a famous minor radio personality.

And...scene.

In Case You Missed it...

2009-02-25T11:30:00.003-05:00

...you can listen to John Hodgman's piece about me as Cuervo Man, the party catalyst, on This American Life here. You can also subscribe to the This American Life podcast for free on iTunes. Sweet. I give it one big plunger UP!

And...scene.

I Fuckin' Love Dis Fuckin' Guy!

2009-02-24T16:58:00.002-05:00

And...scene.

This Avatar Lost Me a Follower on Twitter

2009-02-24T09:16:00.001-05:00

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Why Hotel Comforters Are So Filthy

2009-02-16T21:10:00.002-05:00

It was Jill's idea to let Keely on the bed.

And...scene.

WOW!

2009-02-09T16:10:00.003-05:00

As much as I love this, I have to go Nigel Tufnel here and say, "They can't print that, can they?"

And...scene.

FUPA

2009-01-15T13:58:00.001-05:00

Warning, very offensive! Also very funny. Make sure you watch till the music starts. I almost stopped and would have missed out on all the offensive funny!

And...scene.

Stay Classy, JFK

2009-01-12T15:47:00.000-05:00

I guess the seat is this guy's footstool.

And...scene.

Hammered by Hotcakes

2009-01-05T19:23:00.001-05:00

That's as far as I got with the Banana Nana at The Griddle Cafe in Hollywood. It was a fantastic beating. May I never go to IHOP again.

And...scene.

IHOPx3

2008-12-31T18:32:00.001-05:00

This is my third straight meal at IHOP (Beaumont, CA). But wait! Look how healthy this is. Fried-chicken-free spinach salad. Frickin' SPINACH, dammit! That's some Popeye-type shit right there, yo!

And...scene.

IHOP(EIDON'TCRAPMYPANTS)

2008-12-31T13:47:00.002-05:00

Driving across country, I have obviously not been eating very well. Jill would say that has nothing to do with my travels because in her mind I am "the worst eater [she knows]". (I always wanted to use brackets inside a quote. I hope I used them correctly.)

This is my second straight meal at IHOP in Phoenix. Last night I had a salad though, so THERE! Spinach salad! It had fried chicken pieces in it, but so what! The point is I had a frickin' salad at an IHOP. Now I'm back to the food of highway pants endangerment.

And...scene.

Coincidence? Or Spiritual Experience?

2008-12-19T13:33:00.016-05:00

In November of 1996, less than two weeks after I had driven in a maroon Chevy Lumina minivan out to Los Angeles from New York to start a new life (which would last exactly one year), I had a spiritual experience. I’m originally from Boston (obviously), so I was, and still am, a die-hard Boston sports fan. And the New England Patriots, having what would turn out to be a Super Bowl season, were playing the Chargers in San Diego on Sunday night. I had no money and no idea how to get to San Diego. The two people I knew in LA wouldn’t go with me, and I had to be at my temp job in Glendale early the next morning, but I knew I had to be at that game.

Okay, maybe “spiritual experience” is a bit too strong an expression to use in describing what happened to me that night at a football game at Qualcomm Stadium, but it was still pretty amazing. I was able to scalp a ticket for my last 40 dollars (which I had to get out of the stadium’s ATM while the scalper held my i.d. – long story). As I sat in the nosebleeds on the forty-yard line, wearing my Boston Red Sox jersey under a jacket so as not to be heckled by the hometown fans who surrounded me, I tried to contain my exuberance as the Pats took a 28-7 lead toward the end of the first half. I was completely alone in this 60,000-seat stadium, three hours away from my interim housing in a strange new city, 3,000 miles away from home.

And I saw him. He wore a sloppy coat of body paint in the form of a Patriots jersey on his shirtless torso. His face was entirely red, white and blue. And he was walking up the stairs, cheerfully pointing to every Charger fan, exulting in the away team’s early dominance, even as he was pelted with paper cups, ice cubes and plastic beer bottles. To complete his victory lap, he made his way back down to his similarly attired posse several rows below.

During halftime, I felt compelled to leave the relative safety of my anonymous seat amongst the enemy and join these marked men. As I introduced myself to a guy dressed like Elvis (the team’s logo looks remarkably like "The King"), he looked at me with amazement and said, “Ryan McDonough?! Tom Leveroni!”

Tom and I played football together in high school. “Oh my Gawd! Levah?” I said, involuntarily slipping back into a long-lost Boston accent. “Who’s the guy with the painted-on Ben Coates jersey?”

“That’s John Grady, dude.”

Grady and I went back all the way to fourth grade. I hadn’t seen either of these guys since I graduated from Roxbury Latin. And here we were, all the way across the country seven years later, rooting for our favorite football team and celebrating a 49-7 victory long into the night.

You know what? That was a spiritual experience. Because all that is just too much to be coincidence. Because a football stadium is too big, and this country is too vast for me to randomly bump into two high school buddies in section 336 in San Diego on a Sunday night. And because as far I was from my comfort zone, I was right at home.

This is Amazing

2008-12-07T18:47:00.008-05:00

Watch this!

Genius. Or jizz-enius.

And...scene.

Lunch Break with Somerville

2008-12-02T13:20:00.005-05:00

Below is a video which stars my boy, Michael Somerville. Very funny dude. He was also known as "The Mad Poodle" back in the day when we co-emcee'ed at Neptune Beach Club in Hampton Bays.

Yeah, that's me standing over him on the roof at Neptune's.

Check him out here in "Lunch Break with Somerville". And by the way, I did the theme song. It's effin' amazing.

And...scene.

America's Got Talent

2008-11-19T16:07:00.002-05:00

And...scene.

How to Play Soccer By Yourself

2008-11-17T18:25:00.002-05:00

I used to rock it as man on the street for a little show called "FC Fox" on Fox Soccer Channel. In this little segment, we were supposed to get some people to play a little pickup game of soccer in Central Park on a weekday afternoon and then, quite simply, hilarity would ensue. But because most people work, no one of our leads showed up, and there was really nobody in the park to recruit. So I told my producer that I would play against myself. Nothing new for me. She agreed, and we came up with the idea that I would "clone" myself into different versions of myself. So watch me as I attempt to play myself and five other me's in a little game of six on six.

I miss doing this goofy shit.

And...scene.

Electrical Hazard?

2008-11-14T16:53:00.001-05:00

This picture was taken in the men's room (if you couldn't tell from the urinals) at Homestead Miami Speedway. It's not just that there's a TV in the bathroom, or that it is for some reason unplugged that I am amazed. But that the plug has been left to dangle dangerously close to a toilet! Why not throw a toaster in there while I pee? And I can attest that the plug stayed like this for at least two days. And for the record, I used this urinal every time I relieved myself.

And...scene.

Representing at LGA Before Pats/Jets Game

2008-11-13T16:41:00.001-05:00

And...scene.

No Small Parts, Only Small Actors

2008-11-12T12:38:00.005-05:00

My buddy, Beaks, sent me a link to the video below. Beaks, aka Jeremy Rabb, is an actor who has dazzled audiences with more than one line at a time on several episodes of a little show called "Grey's Anatomy" (which Jill is addicted to, but I can't watch because it tricks me into frickin' crying at the end of every episode). Anyway, Beaks knows firsthand how dead-on this video is regarding the plight of actors trying to break into the big time with a little something called "under fives". And this little-known actor featured below has made the most of his opportunity, and you will laugh your ass off. Give it up for Erik Weiner as he performs "One Line on the Sopranos"!!!

And...scene.

Hah-Ha!!!

2008-11-10T13:42:00.004-05:00

I'm not really big on politics, but I have to go Nelson Muntz on W. here.

Bush leaving office more unpopular than Nixon

All he needs now is to be suspected of using steroids.

And...scene.

Dophins Are Way Cool

2008-11-06T20:24:00.003-05:00

I don't care if the music is cheesy. Jill and I just about cry every time we see this for some unknown reason. It's just so damn emotional! Seriously, one of the coolest things we've done together.

And yes, I'm a sappy turd.

And...scene.

Hodgman's Book of True Facts Mistaken as "Humor" at DFW

2008-11-03T09:17:00.001-05:00

And...scene.

Hey Colts, Guess What Finger This Is

2008-11-02T23:13:00.001-05:00

I loathe you, Indy. And yes, I'm naked.

And...scene.

The Video That Was Too Hot For YouTube!!!

2008-10-29T11:11:00.003-04:00

It turns out I was wrong (OUCH! It hurts just to write that, let alone say it) in my previous post. The video was indeed removed. I could still open it in my original post because I got an 800 on my Latin achievement in 1988. "What does that mean?" you ask. Simply that I am ridiculously smart. So for those of you who did not bang out a perfect Latin achievement score in 1988, here is the aforementioned video. Put in some earplugs.

And...scene.

The Alleged Copyright Infringement Bandit Strikes Again!

2008-10-27T16:16:00.007-04:00

Below is the actual email I got from YouTube regarding a video I posted that had a whopping 42 views at the time. In the video, I am driving a truck and singing along to "When [White Pigeons Sob]"* by the artist I will now refer to as "Shorty". I find it hysterical that this is considered copyright infringement.

The best part of this situation is that my little karaoke video can still be accessed here. Isn't that weird? So it is still hosted by YouTube even though it has been removed. Odd.

I feel compelled to promote it again just because they say I can't. Hee hee. I'm a fucking outlaw!!!

Begin forwarded message:

From: YouTube <no_reply@youtube.com>
Date: October 20, 2008 4:05:57 PM EDT
To: McShowoff
Subject: Video Removed: Alleged Copyright Infringement

help center | e-mail options | report spam

Dear McShowoff,
This is to notify you that we have removed or disabled access to the following material as a result of a notification by Universal Music Publishing claiming that this material is infringing:
Lonely Highway Karaoke: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS29rw7NRWA
Please Note: Accounts determined to be repeat infringers may be terminated. To avoid this, please delete any videos to which you do not own the rights, and refrain from uploading infringing videos. For more information, please visit our Copyright Tips guide.
If you believe this claim was made in error, or that you are otherwise authorized to use the content at issue, you may file a counter notice. Information about this process is here.
Please note that under Section 512(f) of the Copyright Act, any person who knowingly materially misrepresents that material or activity was removed or disabled by mistake or misidentification may be subject to liability.
Sincerely,
The YouTube Content Identification Team

© 2008 YouTube, LLC

*Title changed to avoid detection by corporate internet spies:) Don't rat me out!

And...scene.

Hodgman Stamped Me

2008-10-21T22:11:00.015-04:00

I went to famous minor television personality John Hodgman's book signing at Barnes & Noble in Union Square tonight. While we waited for Mr. Hodgman to finish his Daily Show taping and get his tuxedoed ass to the podium, Jonathan Coulton performed many classics (my favorite was his oh-so-tender, ballad-ized cover of "Baby Got Back" by the ever-underrated wordsmith, Sir Mix-A-Lot) to the delight of the many Hodgephiles, or, if you will, Hodgemen.

I did not have time to purchase a book before getting in line to confront my old nemesis, so I waited completely bookless, much to the chagrin of the many Barnes & Noble book-signing-line expediters. When they asked me for my copy so they could shave 1.3 seconds off my wait time by "prepping it" for signing, I said, "I don't have it, but it's okay. John and I are old friends, and I have something special."

When I finally reached him, I told him I would buy his book if he would sign a piece of paper admitting that he stole my career. He agreed, but insisted that he write his confession on my bald head instead of on impersonal paper. I acquiesced, offering him my scalp as he went to work. I then purchased "More Information Than You Require" and went home satisfied that our long conflict was finally resolved.

When I got home, I looked in the mirror and realized I had been taken in again by this bespectacled inveigler.

And...scene.

iFun iWith iChat iDistortions

2008-10-16T01:19:00.006-04:00

This is how Jill and I cope with my being away every Thursday through Sunday. We sit at our respective desks - she in Brooklyn and I in my hotel room - and chat while distorting our heads and using voices we imagine would befit our altered visages. Better than cyber sex!

And...scene.

Puttin' the "Ass" in NASCAR

2008-10-13T10:54:00.007-04:00

Taken at Lowe's Motor Speedway in Concord, NC

YEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!!! That is definitely the right place for the Rebel Flag.

And...scene.

Papelbon, Party On

2008-10-07T11:03:00.005-04:00

This is already one of my favorite post-game interviews. At about the 1 minute mark Jonathan Papelbon soaks the socially and fashionably awkward Craig Sager (look at that blazer!) with champagne. Pap reminds me of a crazed Tom Cruise at the end of "Taps", spraying bullets from an M60 out the window, exclaiming to a disillusioned Timothy Hutton, "It's fucking beautiful, man! Beautiful!"

And...scene.

Funniest Sign at a Playoff Game

2008-10-07T00:46:00.001-04:00

So do I! The Sox win AGAIN! Pretended to give it away, and then WHAM! shut the door on the Haloes last night, 3-2. Even Jill was fired up. She was screaming louder than I was at the TV during some crucial plays. "That Guy" may have turned into "That Couple". What have I done?!

And...scene.

A Cup's Eye View in Talladega

2008-10-04T21:33:00.001-04:00

This is what I look at all day as I give away "The Cup" from ESPN.

The Big One. That's what they call Talladega by the way. Yeah, I know stuff.

And...scene.

We're No Angels

2008-10-04T02:15:00.005-04:00

Thanks to J.D. Drew (above), the Red Sox have now defeated the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim District of New Calexico and Emirates Commonwealth Protectorate 11 (eleven, as in "these go to eleven") straight times in the postseason. Wow. On Sunday at Fenway let's make it 12.

And...scene.

Fun With Friends in Florida While Follicly Fertile in '94

2008-10-02T11:29:00.006-04:00

In case you couldn't tell, that's me with the receding hairline on your left (stage right, house left). I was in Ft. Myers, FL, playing Rooster in the Broadway Palm Dinner Theater production of "Annie", and this is the apartment where we were housed for the 6-week run. This is how we would spend our off evenings, sitting in front of a rolling camera and discussing nonsense while altering our senses.

The lovely lady is Keith (yes, Keith) and the gentleman is Scott, I believe. It's been a while, and I haven't talked to either of them since this little incident. Yes, it was worth it.

And...scene.

Nice Try

2008-10-01T11:00:00.007-04:00

*

This is as close as you'll ever get to Princeton, Mr. Hodgman.

And...scene.

*Click on pic to go to Hodgman's IMDB listing. Do it! Do it now!

My Day Job

2008-10-01T10:31:00.007-04:00

This is an example of my job as emcee of "The House of Dew" at Dew Tour in Cleveland last summer. If you look closely, you will notice that I am balancing a small sample cup of Mountain Dew on my head (not a urine sample) while riding a classic Schwinn Sting Ray Pea Picker bicycle with a microphone in my hand. And no, I did NOT go to Clown College.

And...scene.

It's About Time!

2008-09-30T12:31:00.008-04:00

Finally! The Yankees miss the playoffs!

For the first time since 1993, the Yankees will be reduced to watching the postseason. I won't miss them one bit. Until next year...

*

GO SOX!!!

And...scene.

*No, that is not my kid. I wish!

Too Little, Too Late, Too Lame

2008-09-23T16:20:00.003-04:00

Great timing, Windows! This is about as effective as a social outcast going back to his 10th high school reunion and delivering what he thinks is an amazing comeback to the ever-popular class clown who wittily humiliated him for four years to the guffaws of all his classmates.

And by the way, Hodgman could totally take that guy impersonating him.

And...scene.

This Guy is Definitely Peeing While Waiting in Traffic After the Race

2008-09-20T18:45:00.002-04:00

And...scene.

I Know What I'm Doing During My Break

2008-09-20T08:31:00.001-04:00

And...scene.

Coney Island Remembrance

2008-09-18T09:56:00.004-04:00

Jill and I trekked out to Astroland a few weeks ago - just before it closed - for our "date nite". Yes, we have a date nite to force us to go out and do something so we don't just see each other when it's time for bed and slap each other's ass after a long day. And yes, we both work mainly from home so we see each other just about every hour of every day. But trust me, date nite is necessary so we don't completely take each other for granted on a daily basis. Like just now, Jill reached over and punched me in the head for typing too loudly.

While at Astroland, we hopped into one of those wacky, silly, crazy photo booths that make your picture look like a charcoal drawing for a mere five clams. What a bargain!* Anyhoo, here's what we look like when we get a chance to spend some quality time together.

And...scene.

*An allusion to early Eddie Murphy - "Chopsticks, 29 cent! What a bargain!"

My Old Job

2008-09-17T09:49:00.000-04:00

I miss Vince Steal:(

And...scene.

Change Your Life!!!

2008-09-15T11:31:00.006-04:00

If you're a huge sports fan like I am, you don't want to miss any of the action while tilting your giant cup back and having a sip of you're favorite beverage. So, to elaborate on my previous post, I will fully demonstrate "The Cup" from ESPN below. It will change your life!!!

Perfectly engineered to perfection!!!*

The instructions are SO SIMPLE!!! And they are printed right there on the cup itself in case you forget!!!

Just try it today and you'll see immediate results!!!

And...scene.

*Redundancy sells!!! And so do three exclamation points!!!

Live Free or Die!

2008-09-13T21:08:00.011-04:00

My office.

I'm in the lovely land of NASCAR - at New Hampshire Motor Speedway - promoting in classic infomercial style the greatest drinking cup ever invented: "The Cup" from ESPN.

Click on the picture to see an amazing demonstration!

The illustrated instructions on the cup are "1. fill it, 2. turn it up, 3. keep both eyes on the track." The semi-official slogans are "Every Lap Matters" and "Keep Track at the Track", but I'm hired to do more than just spit out simple sound bites. So here are some of the things that have popped out of my brain over the last couple of days as I've raved for hours on the mic about this truly visionary vessel:

Not only does "The Cup" hold liquid which you can drink, but it also allows you (through incredible breakthroughs in science that I cannot possibly explain) to keep your eyes on the action wherever you are.

"The Cup" holds 24 ounces of your beverage of choice, while the two indented sights easily guide your eyes forward toward the action you crave. An ordinary cup obstructs your view as you tilt back to imbibe. That's just a fancy-pants word for "drink". [And then I would, of course, demonstrate.]

Now before you get all crazy and yell at me that there's no way this cup can still hold 24 ounces with those two indents in it, let me assure you that the volume that was deducted from one side of "The Cup" to make 100% drinking vision possible was simply added to the opposite side. It's science.

I don't mean to upset you with the facts, but if you drink out of an ordinary, out-of-date, utterly obsolete, ROUND cup of yesterday, you miss 10%, 12%, 15%, as much as 20% of the race because you're drinking and taking your eyes off the track. I can't get you back your lost laps - and I'm not suggesting any kind of class-action law suit - but I can promise you 100% of the race even if you spend 100% of the race drinking your face off as long as you do it out of "The Cup" from ESPN. It's the cup of tomorrow and it's changing your life today!

Why should you have to choose between quenching your thirst with your refreshing beverage which you paid about $40 for and watching the crucial last lap of the race? That's Sophie's Choice, and you don't have to make it [no one got that reference, of course], because you can DO BOTH!

You get the idea. Perhaps you have your own selling points you'd like to share. Please do. With eight more races to go with, I'll need as much material as I can get. YEEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

And...scene.

Did I Mention I'm Uncircumcised?

2008-09-11T14:20:00.006-04:00

I did this when I was about five or six years old, but I didn't get the "beans" above the "frank". I simply zipped over my foreskin, and yes, I was terrified.

It was night time. I awoke with a need to pee. Instead of pj's I was wearing a pair of corduroys minus underwear. I must have thought* I'd be a pornstar someday (it WAS the '70's). After peeing, I zipped up in my dangerously groggy state and suddenly felt the wrath of many little metal teeth.

In a panic, I entreated my mommy to help me, but she ended up bringing the zipper past the foreskin and into the little eye, creating the lasting association that mommy plus penis equals excruciating pain. Thus began one of many trips to the emergency room.

I sat in the waiting room for what seemed to be several hours with a jacket over my crotch. Even at that young age I knew it was embarrassing to have any part of your junk on display, especially if it had suffered a self-inflicted injury. Adults were asking me with friendly concern what was wrong with me, and I bravely told them I was fine. Just doing research. Then they'd say, "Really? Then where's your notepad?" To which I replied, "Ah, very astute of you. I actually have a photographic memory. But to answer your question, it's probably up your ass."

Finally, the doctor saw me, and after much prodding and discomfort - including shooting novocaine into the area (just call me numb nuts) and cutting my pants off of me to leave nothing but a little circle of corduroy - he was able to remove the zipper. I remember quite vividly the sight of a single drop of blood coming out of a place from which blood should never flow.

And maybe now you'll understand when I say the scene from "There's Something About Mary" shown above is pretty fuckin' far from funny.**

And...scene.

*Notice I did not write "must of thought". Because I am not an idiot.
**Yes, that is an homage to Marcellus from "Pulp Fiction", post-rape.

Never Cut Your Pubes Before Your First Cup of Coffee

2008-09-10T15:44:00.009-04:00

This may be more information than you require*, but I feel like I need to share. The picture on the left is to demonstrate the view I get when I first wake up and have to relieve myself. Hopefully it will help you to understand why I felt the need to put a sharp object very near my most sensitive area yesterday morning.

Feel free to stop reading here if you are already queasy. I know I am.

First off, when I wake up in the morning, I might as well be completely hammered because I have no judgment and no coordination whatsoever, but I still insist on tackling challenging but non-urgent projects right away before I forget.

It was no different when I stood in front of this mirror and relieved myself and noticed I had not tended to the sex garden in a while, as it was quite overgrown. Maybe I was a bit inspired because Jill and I had copulated wonderfully (yes, I am a romantic) the night before, and I thought I should be a little more considerate.

"No time like the present," I thought, as I grabbed the scissors. And like a drunk driver about to get behind the wheel, I thought, "I'm totally in control," even though one of my eyes was still not entirely open.

The genital gods were with me it seemed. I was almost done creating a pubic bonsai that Mr. Miyagi would be proud of when I felt a sudden jolt of pain that seemed to scream into my soul, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PUTTING SHARP OBJECTS ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR BALLS?!!!!!!!" After I realized I was still alive and that I just snipped a little bit of skin, I looked down to see the damage.

"When the hell did I get genital warts?" I said aloud as I noticed a little white bump on the right side of my scrotum. There wasn't any blood to be seen, so I didn't realize the bump in question was the bit of skin that had been about 90% separated from its sackly home. And as I investigated, it started to bleed.

I'm back. I was just a bit nauseous there, but I didn't hurl.

To conclude this tale of dumbassness, I can assure you that I am okay. It really was just a little cut but of course in a very vulnerable spot. I put one of those little shaving nick band-aids on it and plan on leaving it there till it dissolves somehow, as I cannot fathom ripping it off.

The bitter irony now is that my ride looks great, but it ain't goin' nowhere for a while.

And...scene.

*I realize "More Information Than You Require" is the title of the latest book by John Hodgman, but that doesn't mean I can't use that expression for my own purposes. That is all.

Apple Stock Down? Maybe This is Why.

2008-09-09T12:37:00.012-04:00

I'm trying to get Jill an iMac to replace her decrepit and narcoleptic 5-year old Dell PC, and I keep getting this screen on apple.com.

Hey, Apple! I'm trying to give you money I don't have! And do you really think I'm going to CALL someone to place my order? Puh-lease! That is SO 20th Century.

And for all his defects, I doubt PC* would ever miss an opportunity to take our money.

And...scene.

*I am referring to the character portrayed by John Hodgman in the Apple commercials. In no way am I saying that John Hodgman would never miss an opportunity to take money from us. Hodgman only takes careers.**

**I am referring to the fact that John Hodgman has had huge commercial success since his TAL piece in which he said, "I still want to be 'Cuervo Man', but I don't think I'd ever want to be 'Sonic Man'." I guess what he meant was that if he couldn't be a professional satyr and instead had to be the star of a commercial, it would have to be a very good commercial with a long, long shelf life and pay a hell of a lot of money. Unlike Sonic Man.***

***I am referring to my obvious jealousy and love of asterisks.

Trying to Look at the Bright Side

2008-09-08T13:07:00.003-04:00

Tom Brady is most likely done for the year, and so, perhaps, is "that guy". At least as far as the Patriots are concerned. In an effort to see the glass as half full, I can acknowledge that I have no expectations of success this NFL season and thus no possibility of being vastly disappointed. So I got THAT goin' for me...which is nice.

And...scene.