Thursday, October 15, 2009

Only One McShowoff

Just for the sake of clarification, there are a lot of Ryan McDonoughs out there, but most of them are not I.

This Ryan McDonough
is not I (I haven't been arrested in years...er, ever).

And this Ryan McDonough is not I (I am fortunate enough to still be alive - God rest his soul).

And finally, this Ryan McDonough is not I (he plays hockey, and I can't skate).

This Ryan McDonough
is I.



And...scene.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Timing Is Everything

And my timing sucks. Of all the games on all the days in all the seasons, I had to pick this one to drop over 300 clams on front row Monster seats. Roy Halladay mowed down our scrub unit who filled in for the regulars (probably still hung over from their late night celebration of another playoff spot), and Wakefield threw a bunch of knuckle-less knucklers (moose knuckles?) which put us in an early hole. The rest of our pitchers fared no better, and 4th string catcher, Dusty Brown, finished up from the mound, giving up just one run to put us down 12-0. I had great seats though.



At least we're in the playoffs. Hopefully it's for more than three games.

And...scene.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Nonsense and Poignance on CSNNE's "The Baseball Show"

I called in for the "Web Sox Nation" segment at 6:15 AM Salt Lake City time (I was out there catalyzing the party for NERF at Dew Tour), so I may not sound very energized. Hopefully I let the numbers do the talking.



Glad I didn't swear.

And...scene.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Can You Bench the Captain?

Jason Varitek may be the heart and soul of the Red Sox, but he cannot be our starting catcher anymore. I'm sorry, but he has been a liability at the plate (.212 average, DOWN from a miserable .220 last year), and even behind it.

That's right, 'Tek is no longer a great defensive catcher. Two passed balls (the wild pitch in the second game should have been blocked) in two consecutive games on third strikes and what should have been third outs in the 7th inning against the Angels, our likely ALDS opponent. In one game we recovered and won due to some miraculously bad umpiring, and the other we lost. Not to mention, he canNOT throw out a runner on the base paths - I still seethe at Carl Crawford's SIX stolen bags in a game earlier in the season. Varitek has only thrown out 15 runners all year against 100 stolen bases allowed, making his caught stealing percentage a miserable 13%.

Sure, Victor Martinez isn't much better at throwing out base stealers - 14% - but since joining the Sox he's hitting .330 with power and a knack for driving in runs in the clutch. Varitek is a strikeout, pop-up or double play waiting to happen.

I hate saying this about Jason Varitek, but I can't take it anymore. Youk at first, Lowell at third and Martinez behind the dish should be the choice for Terry Francona. Are Josh Beckett and Jon Lester going to give up more runs without Varitek to throw to than what they can get back in run support without Varitek in the lineup? I know Varitek is amazing with our pitchers, but I think we need to keep the captain on the bench. He's only getting worse (.239 before the All Star break, .157 after), and we can't afford to keep him in the lineup.

And...scene.


P.S., A special thank you to "The Baseball Show" on Comcast Sportsnet New England for having me on to pimp my blog. I called in from Salt Lake City at 6:15 AM local time and probably fell asleep in the middle of my pitch.

The Calm Before the Storm

As a Red Sox fan living in Brooklyn, NY for the last 16 years or so, I've experienced a lot of conflict. Being surrounded by Yankee fans (and not to sound typically "team-ist", but some of my best friends are Yankee fans), I have always had my guard up to defend against the old taunts of "1918" and "Buckner", and the general arrogance of a fan base that draws upon its 26 world championships (most of which happened way before they were born) whenever they feel threatened.

But it all changed on October 27, 2004 when the Red Sox finally won it all for the first time since - let's hear it Yankee fans! - 1918. You could argue that it really changed on October 20 when the Sox completed the greatest comeback of all time, and the deafening silence I experienced the next day (as I bought several copies of the local rags to celebrate the misery of Yankee fans who so often exploited ours) is pretty strong evidence for that theory. But if we didn't win it all against the Cardinals, the silence wouldn't have lasted.

All of a sudden, we won again in 2007, we were a game away from another World Series last year while the Yankees didn't even make the playoffs, and then we won the first eight match-ups of 2009. The growing silence of Yankee fans as I walked the streets of New York in my Sox hats and jackets and championship t-shirts was starting to get really comfortable. Too comfortable.

But then the biggest spenders in baseball history dropped almost a half billion dollars during one of the worst economic times of this country's history and have since reaped the benefits, as they have been completely dominant since the All-Star break. It looks like they'll face the Tigers in the first round of the playoffs, and I can't imagine them pulling a 2006 in this series. And until the Angles beat us in the postseason, I'll never believe they can. So if I'm right, it's going to get very loud again here in New York as the Yanks and Sox get poised to meet in the ALCS for the first time since the greatest comeback/greatest choke in sports history.

The difference this time is that I feel some apprehension on the part of Yankee fans. Sure, they're yapping a bit here and there, but they still smart from the last six years of disappointment. They are afraid to talk big and be embarrassed if their beloved pinstripers fall short again, especially against their biggest rivals.

They sound like I did before Game 7 of the ALCS in 2003 - hopeful and a bit desperate. After Aaron Bleepin' Boone's dinger, I was planning on moving out of New York as soon as possible because I couldn't take one more sound from what I considered the most obnoxious, most spoiled fans in all of sports. The worst part of that game was that deep down inside, I absolutely, positively knew it was going to happen. It had to. In the most painful way possible - with a lead late and the best pitcher in our recent history on the mound, and then going to extras and losing on a walkoff. Only 2004 could have made that all better. And what has followed since has put Yankee fans in the position of the defensive and desperate.

I only hope the Red Sox can silence Yankee fans once again because I don't want them to get their attitude back. I like having them on edge the way Red Sox fans had been for ages until 2004. I love knowing they can't say jack about the Red Sox unless they can surpass them and win their 27th. And I can hope that their championship drought will be closer to 86 years than a mere nine. Either way, it's going to get loud here in New York in October. And either way, I can quote Mr. T as Clubber Lang in Rocky III and say, "My prediction? Pain."


And...scene.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Genius of "Office Space"

Two excellent uses of gangsta rap in white bread land.





And...scene.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Blaire Reinhard Band

You know I'm a sucker for a well-performed subway music video. Well here's another one.



Blaire Reinhard has a powerful and versatile voice that compels me to stop whatever I'm doing and listen. Whether she's comically seducing a stranger on the subway as above or heart-breakingly lamenting her unworthiness as below, I generally get chills when I listen to her.



I have nothing funny here. I just wanted to give props where props are due.

And...scene.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Steroids Were Just Part of the Game

Any baseball fans out there getting a little tired of the whole steroid issue? Don't get me wrong, I think it's awful that the game has been tainted so much by the addition of performance enhancing drugs. But I would like to look at it a bit differently for a minute.

What I'm beginning to tire of especially is the focus on the individual players and how they cheated the game and should never be considered for the Hall of Fame, etc., etc. I am going to say this, and I hope it pisses you off. The more names that come out, the more I say the individuals did not cheat. I repeat, the players who used performance enhancing drugs during the steroid era of baseball did not cheat. They may have broken the law, but so did the entire coke-head 1986 New York Mets. But like the Mets, they did not cheat. Just as the players who used "greenies" to make an often unbearably slow game a lot more adrenalized broke the law but did not cheat.

I am tired of sports fans and members of the media who are so excited to throw out the word "cheater" in relation to a player who has been linked to PED's that they sound like little kids in the playground getting their cooties shots and yelling "nanny nanny poo poo" at the pariah of the day.

Here's my take. How is it cheating if there was never any rule against it? I know, I know, steroids are against the law, but that has nothing to do with baseball. To be perfectly clear, I HATE the fact that steroids and HGH have contaminated the game of baseball. I don't want professional wrestlers taking the place of fundamentally sound and savvy ballplayers. But it's the game of baseball as a whole that cheated us, not the individual users.

I include all the players who never used anything but never came forward about the invasion of these history changing substances into their profession. I blame the players' union for doing nothing but taking the money that rewarded the best players who were often the dirtiest as a way of bettering contracts for all their players. I blame the owners for turning a blind eye because, hey, the long ball put a lot of asses in the seats. And Bud Selig? Sorry, but you will forever go down as the commissioner of the steroid era. That All-Star Game that ended in a tie is looking like a parking ticket now.

So as fans and media members, please stop calling every player who has been linked to PED's a no-good cheat and a bum and a liar. First of all, as far as the positive test results from 2003 go (whole other issue there, but let's just say none of these names should ever have been leaked, and whoever is responsible should face criminal charges), they may indicate other substances besides steroids such as andro and other legal, over-the-counter supplements. So unless we know for sure that a player used steroids or HGH, don't just bunch them up with the rest and assume they did. But more importantly, it doesn't matter.

The use of steroids was more than tolerated during this era. It was rewarded with huge attendance at games and great ratings and astronomical contracts. It was encouraged - even if it was only indirectly - by owners, and the union, and the media, and the public and even clean players turning a blind eye, and by the immense success the entire sport enjoyed as a direct result of the widespread use of PED's.

Baseball players during the steroid era adapted to the game by taking steroids. There were plenty of players who didn't (but seriously, I don't care who you name, even if it's Griffey or Jeter or anyone else, I wouldn't be surprised if they were using, too), but they are guilty, too, because they only looked out for themselves, not the game. They put their heads down and said, "Well, I know I'M playing the game the way it's supposed to be played," and just hoped things would clean themselves up. I'm not saying they should have "ratted", but the responsibility for the integrity and honor of the game of baseball falls on all of Major League Baseball. So those that did nothing about the use of steroids - players who used or didn't, agents who represented players who used and knew it, managers, coaches, and owners - are all partly responsible for the fact that baseball got so - for lack of a better word - dirty.

So stop looking for scapegoats and individual PED users and accept the fact: it can't be cheating if it's an accepted part of the game.

Now the NBA better get their act together because I would bet almost anything that Dwight Howard has used PED's.

And...scene.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

My Foamy Job

Here is a video of the NERF DART TAG League at Dew Tour in Chicago from my main media man in Chicago, VasTheStampede. I am your friendly neighborhood announcer, in case you couldn't tell.



Yeah, it's pretty much impossible to follow live, too. But I have to admit, it's awesome. One of my favorite Chicagoans of all time, Bill Murray, actually stopped by to watch his son in the tournament (I believe it was 8-year-old Lincoln). He unfortunately did not catch my brilliant use of the phrase "Cinderella story" in describing one of the teams engaged in the competition. But the boss from Hasbro did. And he loved it. Direct hit. POW!!!

And...scene.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Pimpin' Myself...Again

I saw that this brief, dramatic reading of a fine work of sports literature from my occasionally be-wigged days at Sprint Powerview had very few views on my YouTube channel, and decided to help it out a bit. Won't you help me? It's funny, I swear!



Wish I had eight inches of my shaft in my hand.

And...scene.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

We're Talkin' 'Bout "Practice", "Playoffs?!" and "I Wanna Kiss You"

Get ready to rock out to your favorite ridiculous sports interview sound bytes. The REMIX!!!



And...scene.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm Speechless: Hodgman Exposes Obama's Double Life as Jock and Nerd

You may be a geek and/or a nerd, Mr. Hodgman, but you are my hero.



Were you worried about being wrestled to the ground by the Secret Service when you called the president "gangly" and mocked his ears not once but twice?

And...scene.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Google and You Will Find!

For some unknown reason this morning I flashed back to a scene in "Step Brothers"* which involved white dog crap. I remember watching that scene and having one of those moments that I often have with any Judd Apatow production where I go, "Oh, YEAH! I remember that!" Anyone who grew up during the '70's and '80's remembers action figures like Steve Austin, a.k.a. the 6-million dollar man, that Steve Carell's character collected in "The 40 Year Old Virgin", and getting busted drawing penises in grammar school as dramatized by Jonah Hill in "Superbad". Wait. Never mind that second example.

Anyhoo, I googled this exact phrase - "step brothers white dog shit" - and got a link to a thread which I found not only hilarious, but gratifyingly informative. Because I was wondering exactly at that moment, as I was googling "step brothers white dog shit", where all the frickin' white dog shit had gone, and I discovered that someone else in the world wide web also had way too much time on his hands. Check it out! You really can find everything on Google.

Just for the hell of it, here's the Superbad trailer:



Unfortunately, the trailer doesn't show the wonderfully evocative white dog crap scene. You'll just have to see the movie for yourself. POW!

And...scene.

* Come on, Rotten Tomatoes, lighten up! It's FUNNY!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

A Day at the Office

This is my job for AMP Energy at NASCAR events. I pimp Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s ride to his disciples who would do anything for a chance to do a 360 degree burnout. You'll see why*:

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...



HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!

And...scene.

* I also shot this and edited it...in my sleep...while solving world hunger...and curing cancer...and sleeping.

RIPFEST 10 on Fire!

RIPFEST 10 was a huge success, and so was the after party...until the venue caught fire. Then it was an even huger success.



And...scene.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I Like the Puppets Much Better Than the Players

Nike's ad wizards never cease to amaze me.





And...scene.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Friday, May 15, 2009

Big Papi Needs a Big Nappy



I love you, Papi, and I always will, but I think it's time you sat out for a while. I can't imagine how crushed your confidence must be, especially after your 0-7 and 12-runner-stranding effort in yesterday's very winnable 12-inning loss to the Angels. But I'm starting not to care.

I know, I know, it's up to Tito to sit you, but I'm hoping that if he won't sit you that you'll sit yourself. I hope you come around because we can sure use you. But right now you're only hurting us as much as you used to help us so significantly and so consistently over the years.

If it's over for Big Papi, then I say to you, David Ortiz, you are forever a Boston hero, and you will be missed tremendously. I hope you can come back, but only after you sit out for a while and relax. You deserve a break, big guy. Carrying a city on your shoulders year after year must be exhausting.

And...scene.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Why I'm Out of Shape

I really thought I was onto something with the "German Shepherd as weight set" innovation.



And...scene.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Reconsidering "The Pucker"

Maybe it's because it's more of a scowl than a true pucker (or maybe I'm just flip-flopping because she's hot and I don't care about anything because I'm quadruple B - Bordered By Beautiful Babes), but I might be rethinking my position on "the pucker" after all.



They really like me! Whoops. Looks like I J.I.M.P.

And...scene.

Friday, May 1, 2009

"The Circuit", Episode 5

More of the same from my series, "The Circuit".



Alex Hornstein is (ready? All together now) WICKED SMAHT!

And...scene.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Watch Me Play With Myselves!

This is from my man on the street segment on Fox Soccer Channel's "FC Fox" from a few years ago. We were going to try to get some friends to play soccer with me in Central Park and I was hopefully going to be funny - yes, that was the plan - but nobody showed. So I said, "I'm good at playing with myself," and voila!



And...scene.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Better Early Than Never



It's never too early to celebrate a Sox sweep of the Yankees. Even though I know it doesn't mean a whole lot as far as how the rest of the season will pan out (the Yanks are without A-Rod till May 15 and have had a few other notable injuries as well, and it's only April for crap sakes!), it is still very encouraging to see the Red Sox out-clutch (Friday night with Jason Bay's 9th-inning, two-out, game-tying dinger off the best closer ever and Youk's almost inevitable 11th inning blast to win it), outslug (Saturday afternoon as they came back from a 6-0 deficit with a Tek granny and 6 RBI's from Mikey Lowell on their way to 16 runs), outpitch (Sunday Night Baseball on ESPN as fill-in starter Justin Masterson outdueled Red Sox killer, Andy Pettite, and rookies Hunter Jones and Michael Bowden dominated until Takashi Saito could shut the door entirely in the 9th) and even outrun (Jacoby Ellsbury, pictured above, single-handedly ran all over the Yankees for this win, including this unbelievable steal of home) the Yankees in each game of this opening series. Now THAT'S a run-on sentence!

And...scene.

Friday, April 24, 2009

More From "The Circuit"



In a word: wicked smaht.

And...scene.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Wicked Smaht!



Um...I once made a battery in 6th grade science class.

And...scene.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Spammers Must Die

I just got the email below which was not rerouted to my spam box. It's because I know Peter D. Sheran, CPA. Or should I say "knew". He died over two years ago. So soul-sucking spammers apparently hijacked his gmail address and butchered the English language in trying to make "his" message sound casual and familiar. Turns out globseason is a virus.

I hope they have a good mood in taking the shit bus straight to hell.

Peter D. Sheran, CPA
Fri, Apr 10, 2009 at 1:51 PM
subject Re:hi

Heya, how are you doing recently ?
I would like to introduce you a very good company which I knew. Their company homepage is www.globseason.com. They can offer you all kinds of electronical products which you need, such as motorcycles, laptops, mobile phones, digial cameras, TV LCD,xbox, ps3, gps, MP3/4, etc. Please take some time to have a look at it, there must be something you 'd like to purchase.
Their contact E-mail: globseason@188.com
MSN : globseason@hotmail.cn
Hope you have a good mood in shopping from their company!
Regards.


And...scene.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dumb Puckers

I've had enough of the pucker. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, let me show you.




Seems like "the pucker" is becoming a mandatory look on the web these days for everyday gals and even reality TV superstars like Jenna Morasca (above right). I just don't see the appeal. It's about as hot as "Blue Steel", rhyme unintended. Let's see how you like it, ladies.




And...scene.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Cuervo Man Gets Smart

Here are episodes 1 and 2 of 5 of a web series about young inventors called "The Circuit" which I hosted and produced. Full disclosure: no plungers or Speedos here.





Yeah, these kids are wicked smart.

And...scene.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Cuervo Man Video

This promotional video was made before I decided to catalyze parties without liquid courage. I don't have any recollection of some of what occurs in it.



Once I stopped drinking, the only thing that really changed at these events was what I remembered.

And...scene.

P.S. [In the voice of Dwight Schrute] Fact: I rewrote the lyrics to the Eve 6 song "Inside Out" to glorify the gold stuff and the nation it founded. Fact: In addition to performing live, I sang and played guitar in the studio version used throughout the video. [In the voice of John Hodgman] That is all.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Patty's Day




And...scene.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Now THAT's Worth a Dollar!

Naturally 7 brought the house down (or should I say they brought "Le M├ętro" down) in Paris, performing an a cappella variation of Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight". They weren't actually singing for handouts, but they earned 99 cents from me through iTunes after I saw this.



They're no Princeton Tigertones, but they're okay:)



That's right, I was a Tigertone. (If you don't believe me, check out the 1990's alumni list.) I'm the guy with the beard (I was performing in "The Cherry Orchard" that week, so give me a break, dammit!). Also, I still had some hair then.

See if you can find "Prison Break" star, Wentworth Miller, and the award-winning writer and director of "Why We Fight", Eugene Jarecki. Maybe you'll recognize Jeremy Rabb from "Grey's Anatomy" and Raoul Bhavnani who was director of operations for Newark mayor, Cory Booker, as seen in the award-winning documentary, "Street Fight".

Man, I am really feeling insignificant right now. Um...did I mention I was Cuervo Man? YEAH! Deal with THAT, Went!

I don't think that worked.

And...scene.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Bitter Sweet


Jill recently got an article published in Women's Health. Sweet! The bitter? The article is about what to do when you have a crush on someone other than your partner, and she seemed to be writing from personal experience:)


And...scene.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Neptune Days

These videos are not demonstrations of the madness that is Neptune Beach Club because they were taken very early in the day on a Sunday. They are instead demonstrations of some of the silly and painful physical things I used to do as their emcee and during my Cuervo Man official visits.





Ow.

And...scene.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

My NEW Plan B

Scientists Turn Tequila Into Diamonds

How I turned THIS


into THIS



And...scene.

Shell Shock

I finally did it. I proposed. She said yes. And this is what it looked like. Sort of.



And...scene.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Do I Miss Being Cuervo Man?


To be honest, I don't. It was a hell of a lot of fun while it lasted, and it definitely had its perks (or perqs, if you prefer), but I'm sincerely happy to have moved on. And yes, John Hodgman's piece on "This American Life" may have had something to do with the imminent end of my run as Cuervo's official party catalyst because of its perceived portrayal of the brand as an irresponsible employer (the piece was truthful and accurate as well as entertaining, but probably not in Cuervo's best interest), but my time was almost up anyway.

Cuervo was in the midst of changing its image to that of a hipper, more sophisticated beverage [cough] from that of a brazen shot of liquid courage which released the inner untamed spirit. And honestly, I needed to grow up as well. So it all worked out for the best. And for just a few days every few years when Plan B re-airs on TAL, I get to be a famous minor radio personality.



And...scene.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

In Case You Missed it...

...you can listen to John Hodgman's piece about me as Cuervo Man, the party catalyst, on This American Life here. You can also subscribe to the This American Life podcast for free on iTunes. Sweet. I give it one big plunger UP!



And...scene.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Why Hotel Comforters Are So Filthy



It was Jill's idea to let Keely on the bed.

And...scene.

Monday, February 9, 2009

WOW!



As much as I love this, I have to go Nigel Tufnel here and say, "They can't print that, can they?"

And...scene.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

FUPA

Warning, very offensive! Also very funny. Make sure you watch till the music starts. I almost stopped and would have missed out on all the offensive funny!



And...scene.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Stay Classy, JFK

I guess the seat is this guy's footstool.


And...scene.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Hammered by Hotcakes

That's as far as I got with the Banana Nana at The Griddle Cafe in Hollywood. It was a fantastic beating. May I never go to IHOP again.


And...scene.