Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Never Cut Your Pubes Before Your First Cup of Coffee

This may be more information than you require*, but I feel like I need to share. The picture on the left is to demonstrate the view I get when I first wake up and have to relieve myself. Hopefully it will help you to understand why I felt the need to put a sharp object very near my most sensitive area yesterday morning.

Feel free to stop reading here if you are already queasy. I know I am.

First off, when I wake up in the morning, I might as well be completely hammered because I have no judgment and no coordination whatsoever, but I still insist on tackling challenging but non-urgent projects right away before I forget.

It was no different when I stood in front of this mirror and relieved myself and noticed I had not tended to the sex garden in a while, as it was quite overgrown. Maybe I was a bit inspired because Jill and I had copulated wonderfully (yes, I am a romantic) the night before, and I thought I should be a little more considerate.

"No time like the present," I thought, as I grabbed the scissors. And like a drunk driver about to get behind the wheel, I thought, "I'm totally in control," even though one of my eyes was still not entirely open.

The genital gods were with me it seemed. I was almost done creating a pubic bonsai that Mr. Miyagi would be proud of when I felt a sudden jolt of pain that seemed to scream into my soul, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PUTTING SHARP OBJECTS ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR BALLS?!!!!!!!" After I realized I was still alive and that I just snipped a little bit of skin, I looked down to see the damage.

"When the hell did I get genital warts?" I said aloud as I noticed a little white bump on the right side of my scrotum. There wasn't any blood to be seen, so I didn't realize the bump in question was the bit of skin that had been about 90% separated from its sackly home. And as I investigated, it started to bleed.

I'm back. I was just a bit nauseous there, but I didn't hurl.

To conclude this tale of dumbassness, I can assure you that I am okay. It really was just a little cut but of course in a very vulnerable spot. I put one of those little shaving nick band-aids on it and plan on leaving it there till it dissolves somehow, as I cannot fathom ripping it off.

The bitter irony now is that my ride looks great, but it ain't goin' nowhere for a while.

And...scene.


*I realize "More Information Than You Require" is the title of the latest book by John Hodgman, but that doesn't mean I can't use that expression for my own purposes. That is all.

2 comments:

Jacob Karnas said...

LOL!

[That is (seriously) all]

McShowoff said...

Funny because it's true. And painful.