Saturday, September 13, 2008

Live Free or Die!


My office.

I'm in the lovely land of NASCAR - at New Hampshire Motor Speedway - promoting in classic infomercial style the greatest drinking cup ever invented: "The Cup" from ESPN.


Click on the picture to see an amazing demonstration!

The illustrated instructions on the cup are "1. fill it, 2. turn it up, 3. keep both eyes on the track." The semi-official slogans are "Every Lap Matters" and "Keep Track at the Track", but I'm hired to do more than just spit out simple sound bites. So here are some of the things that have popped out of my brain over the last couple of days as I've raved for hours on the mic about this truly visionary vessel:
  • Not only does "The Cup" hold liquid which you can drink, but it also allows you (through incredible breakthroughs in science that I cannot possibly explain) to keep your eyes on the action wherever you are.
  • "The Cup" holds 24 ounces of your beverage of choice, while the two indented sights easily guide your eyes forward toward the action you crave. An ordinary cup obstructs your view as you tilt back to imbibe. That's just a fancy-pants word for "drink". [And then I would, of course, demonstrate.]
  • Now before you get all crazy and yell at me that there's no way this cup can still hold 24 ounces with those two indents in it, let me assure you that the volume that was deducted from one side of "The Cup" to make 100% drinking vision possible was simply added to the opposite side. It's science.
  • I don't mean to upset you with the facts, but if you drink out of an ordinary, out-of-date, utterly obsolete, ROUND cup of yesterday, you miss 10%, 12%, 15%, as much as 20% of the race because you're drinking and taking your eyes off the track. I can't get you back your lost laps - and I'm not suggesting any kind of class-action law suit - but I can promise you 100% of the race even if you spend 100% of the race drinking your face off as long as you do it out of "The Cup" from ESPN. It's the cup of tomorrow and it's changing your life today!
  • Why should you have to choose between quenching your thirst with your refreshing beverage which you paid about $40 for and watching the crucial last lap of the race? That's Sophie's Choice, and you don't have to make it [no one got that reference, of course], because you can DO BOTH!
You get the idea. Perhaps you have your own selling points you'd like to share. Please do. With eight more races to go with, I'll need as much material as I can get. YEEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

And...scene.

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