Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It's About Time!

Finally! The Yankees miss the playoffs!



For the first time since 1993, the Yankees will be reduced to watching the postseason. I won't miss them one bit. Until next year...

*

GO SOX!!!

And...scene.


*No, that is not my kid. I wish!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Too Little, Too Late, Too Lame



Great timing, Windows! This is about as effective as a social outcast going back to his 10th high school reunion and delivering what he thinks is an amazing comeback to the ever-popular class clown who wittily humiliated him for four years to the guffaws of all his classmates.

And by the way, Hodgman could totally take that guy impersonating him.

And...scene.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Coney Island Remembrance

Jill and I trekked out to Astroland a few weeks ago - just before it closed - for our "date nite". Yes, we have a date nite to force us to go out and do something so we don't just see each other when it's time for bed and slap each other's ass after a long day. And yes, we both work mainly from home so we see each other just about every hour of every day. But trust me, date nite is necessary so we don't completely take each other for granted on a daily basis. Like just now, Jill reached over and punched me in the head for typing too loudly.

While at Astroland, we hopped into one of those wacky, silly, crazy photo booths that make your picture look like a charcoal drawing for a mere five clams. What a bargain!* Anyhoo, here's what we look like when we get a chance to spend some quality time together.



And...scene.


*An allusion to early Eddie Murphy - "Chopsticks, 29 cent! What a bargain!"

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

My Old Job



I miss Vince Steal:(

And...scene.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Change Your Life!!!

If you're a huge sports fan like I am, you don't want to miss any of the action while tilting your giant cup back and having a sip of you're favorite beverage. So, to elaborate on my previous post, I will fully demonstrate "The Cup" from ESPN below. It will change your life!!!


Perfectly engineered to perfection!!!*


The instructions are SO SIMPLE!!! And they are printed right there on the cup itself in case you forget!!!


Just try it today and you'll see immediate results!!!

And...scene.


*Redundancy sells!!! And so do three exclamation points!!!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Live Free or Die!


My office.

I'm in the lovely land of NASCAR - at New Hampshire Motor Speedway - promoting in classic infomercial style the greatest drinking cup ever invented: "The Cup" from ESPN.


Click on the picture to see an amazing demonstration!

The illustrated instructions on the cup are "1. fill it, 2. turn it up, 3. keep both eyes on the track." The semi-official slogans are "Every Lap Matters" and "Keep Track at the Track", but I'm hired to do more than just spit out simple sound bites. So here are some of the things that have popped out of my brain over the last couple of days as I've raved for hours on the mic about this truly visionary vessel:
  • Not only does "The Cup" hold liquid which you can drink, but it also allows you (through incredible breakthroughs in science that I cannot possibly explain) to keep your eyes on the action wherever you are.
  • "The Cup" holds 24 ounces of your beverage of choice, while the two indented sights easily guide your eyes forward toward the action you crave. An ordinary cup obstructs your view as you tilt back to imbibe. That's just a fancy-pants word for "drink". [And then I would, of course, demonstrate.]
  • Now before you get all crazy and yell at me that there's no way this cup can still hold 24 ounces with those two indents in it, let me assure you that the volume that was deducted from one side of "The Cup" to make 100% drinking vision possible was simply added to the opposite side. It's science.
  • I don't mean to upset you with the facts, but if you drink out of an ordinary, out-of-date, utterly obsolete, ROUND cup of yesterday, you miss 10%, 12%, 15%, as much as 20% of the race because you're drinking and taking your eyes off the track. I can't get you back your lost laps - and I'm not suggesting any kind of class-action law suit - but I can promise you 100% of the race even if you spend 100% of the race drinking your face off as long as you do it out of "The Cup" from ESPN. It's the cup of tomorrow and it's changing your life today!
  • Why should you have to choose between quenching your thirst with your refreshing beverage which you paid about $40 for and watching the crucial last lap of the race? That's Sophie's Choice, and you don't have to make it [no one got that reference, of course], because you can DO BOTH!
You get the idea. Perhaps you have your own selling points you'd like to share. Please do. With eight more races to go with, I'll need as much material as I can get. YEEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

And...scene.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Did I Mention I'm Uncircumcised?



I did this when I was about five or six years old, but I didn't get the "beans" above the "frank". I simply zipped over my foreskin, and yes, I was terrified.

It was night time. I awoke with a need to pee. Instead of pj's I was wearing a pair of corduroys minus underwear. I must have thought* I'd be a pornstar someday (it WAS the '70's). After peeing, I zipped up in my dangerously groggy state and suddenly felt the wrath of many little metal teeth.

In a panic, I entreated my mommy to help me, but she ended up bringing the zipper past the foreskin and into the little eye, creating the lasting association that mommy plus penis equals excruciating pain. Thus began one of many trips to the emergency room.

I sat in the waiting room for what seemed to be several hours with a jacket over my crotch. Even at that young age I knew it was embarrassing to have any part of your junk on display, especially if it had suffered a self-inflicted injury. Adults were asking me with friendly concern what was wrong with me, and I bravely told them I was fine. Just doing research. Then they'd say, "Really? Then where's your notepad?" To which I replied, "Ah, very astute of you. I actually have a photographic memory. But to answer your question, it's probably up your ass."

Finally, the doctor saw me, and after much prodding and discomfort - including shooting novocaine into the area (just call me numb nuts) and cutting my pants off of me to leave nothing but a little circle of corduroy - he was able to remove the zipper. I remember quite vividly the sight of a single drop of blood coming out of a place from which blood should never flow.

And maybe now you'll understand when I say the scene from "There's Something About Mary" shown above is pretty fuckin' far from funny.**

And...scene.


*Notice I did not write "must of thought". Because I am not an idiot.
**Yes, that is an homage to Marcellus from "Pulp Fiction", post-rape.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Never Cut Your Pubes Before Your First Cup of Coffee

This may be more information than you require*, but I feel like I need to share. The picture on the left is to demonstrate the view I get when I first wake up and have to relieve myself. Hopefully it will help you to understand why I felt the need to put a sharp object very near my most sensitive area yesterday morning.

Feel free to stop reading here if you are already queasy. I know I am.

First off, when I wake up in the morning, I might as well be completely hammered because I have no judgment and no coordination whatsoever, but I still insist on tackling challenging but non-urgent projects right away before I forget.

It was no different when I stood in front of this mirror and relieved myself and noticed I had not tended to the sex garden in a while, as it was quite overgrown. Maybe I was a bit inspired because Jill and I had copulated wonderfully (yes, I am a romantic) the night before, and I thought I should be a little more considerate.

"No time like the present," I thought, as I grabbed the scissors. And like a drunk driver about to get behind the wheel, I thought, "I'm totally in control," even though one of my eyes was still not entirely open.

The genital gods were with me it seemed. I was almost done creating a pubic bonsai that Mr. Miyagi would be proud of when I felt a sudden jolt of pain that seemed to scream into my soul, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PUTTING SHARP OBJECTS ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR BALLS?!!!!!!!" After I realized I was still alive and that I just snipped a little bit of skin, I looked down to see the damage.

"When the hell did I get genital warts?" I said aloud as I noticed a little white bump on the right side of my scrotum. There wasn't any blood to be seen, so I didn't realize the bump in question was the bit of skin that had been about 90% separated from its sackly home. And as I investigated, it started to bleed.

I'm back. I was just a bit nauseous there, but I didn't hurl.

To conclude this tale of dumbassness, I can assure you that I am okay. It really was just a little cut but of course in a very vulnerable spot. I put one of those little shaving nick band-aids on it and plan on leaving it there till it dissolves somehow, as I cannot fathom ripping it off.

The bitter irony now is that my ride looks great, but it ain't goin' nowhere for a while.

And...scene.


*I realize "More Information Than You Require" is the title of the latest book by John Hodgman, but that doesn't mean I can't use that expression for my own purposes. That is all.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Apple Stock Down? Maybe This is Why.

I'm trying to get Jill an iMac to replace her decrepit and narcoleptic 5-year old Dell PC, and I keep getting this screen on apple.com.



Hey, Apple! I'm trying to give you money I don't have! And do you really think I'm going to CALL someone to place my order? Puh-lease! That is SO 20th Century.

And for all his defects, I doubt PC* would ever miss an opportunity to take our money.

And...scene.


*I am referring to the character portrayed by John Hodgman in the Apple commercials. In no way am I saying that John Hodgman would never miss an opportunity to take money from us. Hodgman only takes careers.**

**I am referring to the fact that John Hodgman has had huge commercial success since his TAL piece in which he said, "I still want to be 'Cuervo Man', but I don't think I'd ever want to be 'Sonic Man'." I guess what he meant was that if he couldn't be a professional satyr and instead had to be the star of a commercial, it would have to be a very good commercial with a long, long shelf life and pay a hell of a lot of money. Unlike Sonic Man.***

***I am referring to my obvious jealousy and love of asterisks.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Trying to Look at the Bright Side


Tom Brady is most likely done for the year, and so, perhaps, is "that guy". At least as far as the Patriots are concerned. In an effort to see the glass as half full, I can acknowledge that I have no expectations of success this NFL season and thus no possibility of being vastly disappointed. So I got THAT goin' for me...which is nice.

And...scene.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Sign of the Apocalypse

I am actually rooting for the Yankees to beat the Rays and complete the sweep*. I think I just vomited pure evil.

*If you're not a baseball aficionado, the Rays are now ahead of the Sox in the standings by 3 games as of this post. Therefore, I need the Rays to lose, even if it is to the Yankees who are not much of a threat to the Sox just now.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

"Stupid People", Unplugged

Jill secretly recorded me while I, oblivious with my noise-canceling headphones, was unconsciously singing made-up songs instead of doing my work. The 25-second track is "Stupid People", and it does not rock.

And...scene.

Shorty Representin'!


I LOVE this guy!

Yes, Dustin Pedroia (pictured between six-foot tall Jed Lowrie, number 12, and six-foot, four-inch David Ortiz) is listed at 5'8". And with the way he's crushing lately, you could list him at 6'5" and I'd have to accept it. That's why I love this picture which shows his true height which is about 5'6", if that. I know his legs are slightly bent, but a six-footer TOWERS over him by what looks like about 10-12 inches here. It's great to see the little guy is still able to mix it up with the ever-growing giants of sport.


Spud Webb, 5'6"---------- Wes Welker, 5'9"-------------- Darren Sproles, 5'6"

Spud Webb was the king of little men (not "little people", they don't officially have a king). Wes Welker is listed at 5'9". Looks more like 5'7". And Darren Sproles is seriously a flea on the football field.

Why such interest in the little man, you ask? I'm listed at 5'8".


I'm number 43, and I'm FIRED UP!!! Roxbury Latin goes undefeated and wins the ISL in '88 for the second straight year. I shoulda gone pro.

And...scene.