Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Before Someone Else Posts 'Em

That's right. I'd rather embarrass myself than give someone else the pleasure, so here are some pix that I would have destroyed long ago were I a normal, self-respecting human being. Instead I will chronologically illustrate my life below. Enjoy!


I don't think I look exactly human here. Simian perhaps.


This is one of those oh-so awkward grammar school pictures. And no, I was not stoned, come on. It was only 2nd Period.


Trying out the porn mustache while poking a Chihuahua during a trip home from college. Ron Jeremy is jealous. And the Taco Bell dog is very nervous.


The evolution of "That Guy" is complete. A fully "matured" McShowoff exhibits some false modesty.


I know what you're thinking. How can these pictures be considered embarrassing when I've already posted these? Good question. Probably because in the photos above (the first three anyway) I wasn't TRYING to look like a moron. It's all about controlling the image.

And...scene.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Waiting For Couple's Therapy

This is us right before we go in and talk about our sex life. Notice my "That Guy" touch with the Celtics "NBA Champions" hat contrasted with Jill's Newsweek. I don't have a chance in there.

And...scene.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Incommunicado


I have been bad blogger. Bad blogger! No time for blog. Too much work. So I quit time-eating job. Now time for blog. But I have one week left first. Ugh.

And...scene.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Naughty, Naughty

And if you think that article was just a bit naughty, check this one out in Tango!



You'd think I'd get a lot more action.

And...scene.

A Bad Influence

Jill has convinced the world via Time Out New York to get wasted while working out in order to get laid.



Fantastic!

And...scene.

The Beast With Two Backs is Back

That's right. Jill must have been turned on by my sexy singing and needed me to put out her fire. Or she just felt sorry for me.

And...scene.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Lonely Highway Karaoke

This was the best way I knew not to fall asleep while driving this beast from Chicago to New York.



Unfortunately, it may have been more dangerous than falling asleep while driving.

And...scene.

Pandemonium

Perhaps the video below will demonstrate why The 5-Skins only performed this once. The world simply wasn't ready.



And this was at a private school, mind you. I feel like Allen Iverson should jump in here and say, "We talkin' 'bout private school. Not a club. Private school."

Anyway, that shizzle was fizzled izzle, yo. LONG LIVE THE SKINS!

And...scene.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Blast From the Past

It was at an otherwise uneventful dance on an otherwise uneventful Saturday evening in November of 1988 at the Roxbury Latin School ("the oldest school in continuous existence in North America") that The 5-Skins (originally dubbed "Ryan and the Four Skins") first - and last - performed.

Let me introduce you to the band. First,"The Berries", our talented and lovely backup singers, from left to right: Some Girl Whose Name I Never Knew, Cat Saxbe, Sara Christensen and Quenby Iandiorio. The 5-Skins were: Ryan McDonough ("that guy" and budding "party catalyst" who is also uncircumcised, or, if you will, uncut) on lead vocals and antics; Jake Shapiro of Two Ton Shoe on guitar and backup vocals; Matt Weiner (now a brilliant - if big fore-headed* - upright bass player) on keyboard and backup vocals; Alex Brown (not the football player) on bass; and Steven Heinstein, ("a Jew who rocks") on drums.

Music has never been the same since.

This was our finale. A cover of a J. Geils Band cover of "Land of a Thousand Dances", performed the way I'm sure Wilson Pickett wished he could have. Pure perfection. Or, if you will, purefection.



And...scene.

*I have the right to say that because I started losing my hair at 16. Deal with it!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Happy In Depends Day



Okay! I'll grow up and do it right. Happy Independence Day!



I know the bandanna clashes with the one-piece, but it's still patriotic. That's as close to war as I ever hope to be.

And...scene.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Truckin'

I most certainly was. I've got the video and pix to prove it. I did indeed drive a BK Fresh Apple Fries pickup truck and a 16-ft trailer (no, you don't need a special license for that!!! I know! Amazing!) from Chicago to New York (about 800 miles) on Tuesday evening and all day Wednesday. Then I did some frickin' long shoreman-type work loading boxes and all kinds of shit for several hours. I even had a crackhead lookin' for "work" ("Hey, big man, how 'bout you put me to work and let me help you with some of them boxes") magically will me to drop the 20-spot I was going to tip the amazing helper (who works for money, not crack) at the Brooklyn storage facility by the Manhattan Bridge (as lovely as it sounds), climb up on the loading dock like he owned the place, and grab it without my noticing. When I called him on his sleight of hand (and mind), his denial was adamant, not unlike that of his fun little addiction.

Ah, full day.

And now I'm tired. I must to bed. Jill is gone for the holiday (she even took Keely!), so that means I'll have to spend some quality alone time. Make of that what you will. More tomorrow, I promise.

So don't get too wasted. Or too fireworked. Or too patriotic. Or too pugilistic. Or whatever it is you do on Independence Day.

Oh, and the Sox blanked the Yankees. Take that, NY crackhead!!!

Below is a sample of my trip from Chicago. At least a reasonable facsimile.



And...scene.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Told Ya.


And...scene.

Can't Blog. Driving Truck

As I type. Seriously.




Sent from my mind.*

And...scene.

*My new iPhone signature (or if you will, iSignature) because people were getting tired of being "And...scene'ed" at the end of all my iPhone emails (or if you will, iMails). I guess they felt like I was slamming the doors of communication shut at the end of every transmission. So final and controlling. I miss it. **

**And no, I did not type this asterisked addendum while driving. That would be crazy.