Saturday, June 7, 2008

The [Blank]-gates I'd Like to See

Just wanna get a bit stupid here. "Get a bit stupid?" you say, with biting irony. Ha ha. Funny. I'll give you that. But I anticipated it and wrote it before you could outfunny me. So HA!

I know that frustration over the media's obsession with the "gate" suffix is as played out as...well...the media's obsession with the "gate" suffix, but please indulge me for just a moment. Here are some of the [Blank]-gates I'd like to see:

Lions-gate (or Lions Gate Gate) - When it is discovered that the Lions Gate film "Crash" - which won an Oscar for best picture in 2006 - was written by an 11-year old who thought it would be really, really hella cool if there were all these totally stereotypical characters with stereotypical problems in a movie whose plot consisted entirely of melodramatic coincidence and cheap surprise.

- When it is discovered that Bill Gates has been profiting tremendously for so many years from covering up the fact that his products suck.

Reality-gate - When it is discovered that "reality television" is now and has always been about as "real" as the results of the 2000 election, the newsworthiness of Fox News and Stormy Daniels' boobs, eye color and on-camera orgasms, combined.

Call-gate - When it is discovered that the purpose of every bad call that ever went against the Patriots (i.e., AFC Divisional game against Denver in '05 and AFC Championship game against Indy in '06), the Red Sox (i.e., 1999 ALCS against the Yankees) and the Celtics (i.e., every game of this year's Eastern Conference Finals against the Pistons in Detroit) was to prevent Boston from ruling the world.*

Star-gate - When it is discovered that celebrities are actually just human beings with very human failings and should never be put on any kind of pedestal (unless I get famous, then get me a really nice pedestal!), and that the people who utterly obsess about them every minute ("Leave Britney alone! [Sniffle, whine, sniffle]") are really soul-suckers from a distant planet called Mylifesuxsogimmeurs.

And, just for poops and chuckles:

Specter-gate - When it is discovered that Arlen Specter is responsible for all the bad calls that have ever gone against any Boston team.


* I know, I know. Beer has the same purpose for the Irish.

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