Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Coin Fountain

Okay, I don't want to be gross (actually, I want to be gross but Jill's dad may be a reader - Hi, Rolly!), but I recently found something very disturbing in the toilet. No, not right after using it - I told you, I'm trying not to be gross. It was just BEFORE I was to go number one. Here's the view:

To the ladies out there who may not recognize this view, it is from the standing pee-er's perspective.

What is that little dot way down there in the bowl, you may ask. I asked the very same question, o reader of words. And then I said a little prayer before risking mad cooties to fish out the little bastard:

Two sides of the same corroded coin. I felt like Jack Crawford pulling the moth cocoon from the mouth of one of Buffalo Bill's victims.

I discovered that it was a penny that had undergone some kind of chemical interaction. Was it inside me? And, if so, for how long? I know I'd swallowed a quarter at least once before in an epic game of Anchor Man many years ago, but never a penny. Maybe some angry waiter slipped it into my meatloaf. But wouldn't I have bitten it? Also, how did it separate from the rest of the human detritus which was flushed away? I was honestly perplexed. And utterly fascinated.

I boiled it down to two theories. One, it was somehow living in the pipes for many years after being dropped out of someone's pockets and into the bowl in a haste to lower the pants, and was simply kicked back after many flushes. Or two, instead of losing change on the Kingda Ka demon coaster, I actually GAINED BACK the change I'd lost on so many other rides in some kind of Bizarro-world, karmic twist of reality. A stretch, I know, but I decided if that were the case, then I should be expecting a lot more than a penny in this filthy portal in the days to come.

And guess what? No joke, I swear, the VERY NEXT DAY I casually assumed the usual position (see above), having forgotten all about my theories, and found another coin! This one a dime! You can't make this shit up!

Looks like a penny, but I assure you it is a much distressed dime.

Doing the math (one dime is 10 times the value of one penny), I anticipate a silver dollar sometime in the near future, followed by a sawbuck, followed by a hundie, etc. Soon my toilet will make me rich!


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