Sunday, April 27, 2008

John Hodgman is a Vampire

It's true. Hodgman sucked out my career and made it his own. Perhaps you've heard his piece on "This American Life". At the time he was just a former literary agent and sometime writer and host of something called "Little Gray Book Lectures".

And now look at him. He's everywhere. He's a movie actor, he's a PC, he's an expert on everything. And I have nothing.

Hodgman's little fun slice of life in TAL's episode entitled "Plan B" was his means of draining my lifeblood from me. Go ahead, listen to it and prove me wrong! Listen to the envy, the blind rage at my huge success as a plunger-headed tequila satyr. And when he realized how difficult - nay, impossible - it really is to give away free tequila as I did so masterfully, he decided he would destroy me and steal my essence.

It's no coincidence that shortly after Plan B aired, my tequila-monkey business was canceled by the powers that be. And my huge commercial potential as the spokesperson for a Panasonic electric shaver fizzled out after just one year. Sure, I've done some cool things here and there, like driving a van and landscaping and performing at children's birthday parties. But it's Hodgman who has truly found immortality as I struggle simply to exist.

Am I bitter? Of course not. But I think it is my duty to warn the world of this bespectacled monster and his evil powers. If you have some kind of unique and completely useless talent, keep it to yourself. Or he may discover it and create something truly amazing from it and leave you with nothing.

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