Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Never Use an Accountant Who's Going to Jail Soon


I know this seems obvious, but you'd be amazed at how easy it is to fall into this trap. My only warning signs were that my accountant was far too forthcoming with personal information about her own unmanagableness (I looked it up - it's not "unmanageability").

She told me about her depression and her money problems and how she was being let go from her "day job" working for an established accountant. But she really knew how to handle my receipts. Unfortunately, she was jailed (I found out from her old boss and my former accountant that she got busted for stealing and drunk driving and who knows what else) after I sent her all my receipts for 2006, and she didn't have the decency to send them back to me and advise me to find another accountant. Man! And now I keep getting bills from the IRS and New York State.

I bet she's laughing her head off in her cell at my misfortunes. She definitely got me. I know how much fun jail is.

And...scene.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Do I Need a Closing Catch Phrase?

Maybe it's not exactly a catch phrase I'm talking about, but I feel like I need a way to end every communication neatly and authoritatively...a phrase not completely dissimilar in concept to Hodgman's trademark "That is all".

But before you get all high and mighty and say I cannot steal the spirit of Mr. Hodgman's oh-so original close-all, consider the possibility that "That is all" is not actually a Hodgman original. Or that maybe others have beaten me to the punch and gone on to not only fully explore (yes, I split an infinitive! I'm fine with it. And I'll do it again!), but even unabashedly exploit the raw power of these three little words.

All that said, I want to see if I can find something that works for me. I'm open to suggestions.

And...scene.

Talking to a Vampire

I was told by the vampire himself that I have to update my blog immediately. So here it is.

That is all. Yeah, that's right. I ripped Hodgman off. That just happened!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

John Hodgman is a Vampire


It's true. Hodgman sucked out my career and made it his own. Perhaps you've heard his piece on "This American Life". At the time he was just a former literary agent and sometime writer and host of something called "Little Gray Book Lectures".

And now look at him. He's everywhere. He's a movie actor, he's a PC, he's an expert on everything. And I have nothing.

Hodgman's little fun slice of life in TAL's episode entitled "Plan B" was his means of draining my lifeblood from me. Go ahead, listen to it and prove me wrong! Listen to the envy, the blind rage at my huge success as a plunger-headed tequila satyr. And when he realized how difficult - nay, impossible - it really is to give away free tequila as I did so masterfully, he decided he would destroy me and steal my essence.

It's no coincidence that shortly after Plan B aired, my tequila-monkey business was canceled by the powers that be. And my huge commercial potential as the spokesperson for a Panasonic electric shaver fizzled out after just one year. Sure, I've done some cool things here and there, like driving a van and landscaping and performing at children's birthday parties. But it's Hodgman who has truly found immortality as I struggle simply to exist.

Am I bitter? Of course not. But I think it is my duty to warn the world of this bespectacled monster and his evil powers. If you have some kind of unique and completely useless talent, keep it to yourself. Or he may discover it and create something truly amazing from it and leave you with nothing.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

It's Come to This

I'm not just watching the NFL Draft. I'm watching it on my laptop because I'm volunteering somewhere with no televisions. I don't even really care that much about the draft, but I'm compelled to watch for fear of missing something. What the hell am I going to miss? There is absolutely no value to me finding out in real time what team gets what college player and will likely benefit or suffer from that pick in no less than three years on average. What is wrong with me? The NFL: it is my crack.
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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Still Catching My Breath...

from the sex I had almost a week ago. I promise I'll be fine soon. So tired!
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Friday, April 18, 2008

So Cool!

I just had sex! Hee, hee, giggle, giggle. Gettin' in the game, and stayin' in the game. That's right!... So tired now. And yes, it was with someone.
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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

"That Guy" in Recovery

I'm trying SO HARD not to be "that guy" any longer. Not "that guy" (played by Jon Favreau) who wears the tee shirt of the band he's going to see in "PCU", but "that guy" who thinks he is actually responsible for the outcomes of sporting events because of how much he cares. I mean I will always be a huge fan of all Boston sports teams (deal with it, haters!), but I don't want to have my emotional state 100% dependent on how those teams fare on any given day.

I am actually getting better, but it is only April and there's a lot of baseball left to play, not to mention the playoffs are beginning for the heavily favored Celtics (I can't believe I'm actually typing "heavily favored" and "Celitcs" in the same sentence, let alone consecutively - as opposed to "The Celtics of course got demolished by the heavily favored Tennessee Lady Vols"), and the Bruins are never going to allow me to have any hope for them against the Canadiens in the first place. But my girlfriend hasn't killed me (yet) and my dog has not quite chewed off all her own skin out of anxiety caused by my violent reactions to bullshit calls ("Your honor, I object." "Why?" "Because it's devastating to my case."). So I think I've made progress.

That said, I am watching the Red Sox and Yankees right now (top of the 7th, 11-9 Spanks). And my stomach is trying to grab my balls through my ass. Uncomfortable. And Jill and I are spending our first night on vacation in celebration of her upcoming birthday. I should just turn off the TV, right? Right. But SHE wants to watch it! So the next best thing for me is to blog while my dog Keely senses my inner turmoil and restlessly tries to find the nearest possible exit for when the hammer comes.

I'm definitely not getting any tonight.
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Siamese Comb Over



This is what I would look like if Jill would just keep her head next to mine at all times.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Funny Fans

I'm watching the Red Sox/Yankees game tonight, and as the camera searched the crowd for eager fans, it stumbled upon two seemingly good-natured frat boys with Sox hats on. As the camera lingered on them just before the commercial break, I couldn't help but notice an interesting message, hand-written on their white tee shirts: "LMB Yanks". If you already know what that means, good for you. I'd never seen that acronym, but I quickly figured out what it stood for, so good for me. And checking my work on Urban Dictionary,
I confirmed that LMB is indeed IM/text for "Lick My Balls". Ah, Fenway.
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Saturday, April 12, 2008

Writing is Wicked Fun!

I never knew I would enjoy writing. And you wouldn't know it from reading these very short and uninspired posts. But take my word for it. I totally enjoy doing it now. In school I hated it because I never knew what my teachers wanted from me. Now I don't care. Ain't that grand? I'm naked. I'm free. But mostly naked.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

And a Follow-Up Statement...

I'm not as tired tonight, but I am still trying to figure out this crazy interwebby thingamajig. It's not worth explaining, but I will anyway. I want to be able to instantly add to my blog (It's blo-og, it's blo-og, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood) without going to the site. I'm exhausted already from writing that little bit of useless explanation. I'm off to throw up...
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Can't Sleep Because...

I'm too busy exploring every little aspect of this new (to me, anyway) browser. It's Flock, and I know nothing about it yet. Maybe it's awesome. Maybe it sucks. But I'm fascinated, and I won't stop to go to sleep. And now I'm effing blogging. What the ef is my problem? Run away!